tuttle's: April 2009

“I am a runner.”
This is what I told myself just four weeks after giving birth to my first child.
At 190 pounds I felt more like a circus elephant as I trudged around the block from our tiny apartment.
I had never ran a day in my life, let’s just say it didn’t come naturally.
At first it was simply a way to lose weight, it quickly became something much more.

I always thought that either you were born a runner or you weren’t, I would see those long legged beauties running around my neighborhood, they appeared as gazelles as they glided past me, as I struggled to even run a full mile, (and I use the term run lightly).
Having grown up in doctor’s offices I had never thought of myself as an athletic person, Autoimmune Issues, Fibromyalgia, Reflex Neurovascualar Distrophy, Severe Allergies, etc. they nicknamed me the “inside girl” as I swelled up most times just venturing outside..

Eight months later I ran my first race, a little 5K for our small town’s 4th of July Celebration.

I remember feeling “this is what it feels like to win” growing up I had been the orchestra/musical type, I’d never experienced a home run, a game winning basket, or the goal to save the game.. This was a moment, just for me. I remember after I finished, thinking
“I’m gonna do this again.”

And I did, the very next summer I did the 10K .. Matt ended up working that day and I remember thinking that I didn’t even mind, I wasn’t running the race for anyone at the finish line, this was for me…

The next year was the half marathon, I ran this with Matt and it was such a fun, neat way to accomplish it together.. Upon crossing the finish line I remember thinking, “next the marathon”..

Growing up I had had many priesthood blessings, I was told that I would not have to have continuing difficulty with my health, but that these blessings were contingent upon living the law of health.. and that one of the purposes of my being here was to learn to take care of my own body. Little did I know what this was to mean, or what the future held..I had often hoped that there would be some “miracle cure” or pill I could take to make it all go away..

Endometriosis & Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome were my newest struggles, after many shots, procedures, hormones, ultrasounds, drugs, charts, failed artificial insemination, miscarriages, struggling to conceive we finally had babies number 2 and 3. During my last pregnancy I was six weeks until my delivery date with gestational diabetes and fell and broke my tailbone. You can forget running, walking was a chore. I needed help to go the bathroom, bathe, everything hurt.. The week following the delivery the doctors found heart, liver and thyroid problems, this combined with post partum depression and three little ones was seemingly more than I could handle on some days.
It was then after being on this earth for 28 years that I truly learned the sacrifice that our Savior made during the atonement process.. I had always thought that he had only experienced the pains one experiences as a result of sin. But I came to understand that he also went through any physical pain that we could imagine.. I specifically remember one night pleading with Heavenly Father to take it all away and I was very clearly told “You’re stronger than you think you are”..
I remember being angry for about a week about this answer I received; clearly not what I was looking for. But I began to look back at all of my trials in life and see them as blessings, stepping stones to where I was.. This was a true turning point in my life, I saw clearly that I could go either way.. I chose to run.

It was July of 2008 that I officially made the decision, I said it out loud, “I am going to run a marathon in 2009”. I was going to be turning 30, and since the conception of my running days, it was my goal to have accomplished this feat by my 30th birthday. I remember the night I found the Salt Lake Marathon online, I couldn’t even sleep, I just laid in bed and daydreamed… I had been running since I had had baby 3, but only like 3 miles at a time… nothing big…

It all seemed so far away, so ominous, most people’s reactions when I told them was “Really?” followed by “Are you sure?”

Shortly after this time, we made the decision that our family was all here and that I could be done trying to conceive and bear children, I felt such peace and happiness at this time and was so grateful to have my body back, just for me. I didn’t feel selfish at all, I had bore three amazing children and now it was time to really show Heavenly Father how grateful I was for this body I had been given.. this gift.

I printed out these words and framed them, they sat by my bedside for almost a year…

4.18.09
26.2

They inspired me on those cold winter mornings, those late nights when I felt like I didn’t want to “squeeze in a run”..

Although I never found that “miracle cure” I was looking for, running had become my greatest coping mechanism.. I no longer defined myself by the ailments they had diagnosed me with, in fact I prefer not to even think about them, I sometimes convince myself that they have “gone away”, but if I slack off for more than 4/5 days they all start creeping back..
Running most certainly has nothing to do with vanity, I finally got to the weight the DMV always thought I was, and I remember telling a friend once that it seemed the more I exercise the less I look like Carrie Underwood, and the more I look like Mary Lou Retton.
Apparently there is no hope for us 5” girls…

So I started seriously training in September, the month we moved to Heber.
I printed out my 6 month training schedule and religiously followed it.

In the past six months I’ve…

Ran with the dog,
Ran with the kids,
Ran with Ammon on his bike,
Ran with the single jogger
Ran with the double jogger
Christmas Day – Running
Our 10 yr. anniversary trip to the Bahamas – Running
Camping in the desert – Running on the sand
Ran on the road, ran on the treadmill
Ran in the snow
Rain in the rain
Hot, cold, early, late
Ran at 5 in the morning
Ran at nine at night
I think at one point I even ate green eggs and ham.
For my 16 miler it was snowing too hard, so I drove to the local gym and got a free pass, and toughed it out on the treadmill (would not recommend it)

Things that kept me going..

Cold baths after long runs.
Ice water.
Started to think of food as fuel
Jolly Ranchers
Music
(I trained for a whole year with the free headphones that you get on Delta flights.)
Six weeks before the marathon was my 30th bday.
Matt told his parents to take his and my allotted bday money and combine them to get me a new IPOD/headphones to train with.. (Thanks honey.)

Thanks to…

My hubby for all the lost Saturdays, foot rubs, support and the words “I’m proud of you”
Thanks to my kids for understanding when “mommy had to run”
My friends for all the encouragement and well wishes
My family for coming to see me finish what I started

So finally after…

7 Years
3 Races
2 surgeries
3 miscarriages
3 pregnancies
1 broken tailbone
6 months of marathon training with
475 miles logged
2 pairs of running shoes

It was the big day,
We arose early and I was much calmer than I had thought I’d be.
As I dressed I started to become more excited, nervous, ready to run!
It was 4 a.m. and I felt like a bull in a pen.
The drive to Salt Lake seemed like an eternity.
Waited in line with all of the other marathon hopefuls.
A kiss goodbye to Matt, this is when it really sank in that I was doing this alone.
Gun went off and I started running, during the first mile my mind wandered and I thought,

25 more of these REALLY?
But I was able to focus and concentrate on my breathing, the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground, my music.
At the half point I was right on target of where I wanted to be time wise, felt great.
Mile 18 is where I started to feel tired.
I thought, “Note to self: Bring your own food on your next marathon”
(They had ran out of anything but water and Gatorade)
Don’t get me wrong, I love water, but for 26 miles you need a little something extra
So, totally my fault, it was almost comical, I found myself looking on the asphalt below for any scraps that someone had dropped below..
At mile 20 there was a friendly neighborhood group of people holding out paper cups on their lawn, I reached for one as I approached and it was then I realized a little something different, all of the people on the lawn were holding beer bottles, I then noticed the signs they had posted in their lawn. One read “Temptation Station” the next read “Why run when you can drink?” It was then that I realized that what I thought was water was really shots of tequila.. let’s just say I passed on that one..
My favorite sign was at mile 22 it read “If this was the finish line you’d be done”
When I finally was done it was a much different emotion than I had anticipated, no tears of joy, no exhaustion…just happiness.. I was almost giddy as I approached the finish line.
I saw my family cheering for me and I just had to do the obligatory raising of the arms.. I was done, I had finished, I had done what I said I would do.

And at last I could finally say… “I am a runner.”